Today I am pondering what turns me on. A typical date might be dinner with a partner at my place, cuddling on the sofa, talking about our lives, learning about each other, making out, sex, sleep. The cuddle time is critical for me to relax into his body, to feel his energy, to intuitively read how safe I am. I am emphatic. I pick up on subtle energies that tell my subconscious something about my partner’s intent. As I relax into his embrace, I feel safe, comfortable, maybe even loved. In this space, I often begin to find myself aroused by the slightest touch or gentle caress.
I feel most comfortable when sex is truly just an option. When I feel that my partner would be perfectly happy with either a yes or a no to sex, I can feel truly safe and appreciated. When he is not desperate or needy, when he is open to the idea, but not expecting. In this situation, I usually get aroused quite easily. It is important for me to feel loved, appreciated, and respected for who I am.
It feels good to enjoy the touch of another human being – to enjoy the touch for its own pleasure – not just as a prelude to something else.
Sometimes, I have a partner who has been thinking about having sex with me all day. He is obviously excited to see me. The strong desire for sex when I haven’t even walked in the door frightens me at some level. I try to make that heart connection and to feel safe while noticing that he is aching to fuck me. It feels rushed, even when he tries to slow down for me. It is hard for me to enjoy the non sexual touch that he offers to me, because, in mind, it is just for one goal – so that he can fuck me.
He has no intent to pressure me, but I feel pressured. I can not get my body to respond.
Why? Is it perhaps that I feel rushed to meet his desire? Is it that I feel that sex is more important to him than the relationship, the connection? Is it something from my past that triggers this? Is it simply performance anxiety?
Do other women experience the same thing?
To be honest, I know that sex is usually on the agenda, and usually desired by my male partners. I have several partners who somehow make me feel like they are in no rush at all. This is sexy.
My partners who have other lovers rarely feel disappointed when we don’t have sex. They are not desperate or needy. They are not in a rush. They have other sex partners and do not require it from me. This allows us to enjoy sex when it appeals to both of us. No one feels required to meet the other person’s needs. No one feels that they must perform sexually to maintain the relationship. I can give and receive pleasure freely because it feels good, not because I should.
We usually end up having lots of sex – because we both want to.
[Edited] Immediately after posting, I found the answer to my question on a friend’s timeline:
“To be around someone who is confident in the moment, someone who isn’t in a rush to do more and get more because they know they already have enough, that is attractive.”