Had I not found polyamory, I would have chosen to be single and celibate.
I’ve always been a free thinker. As a child and young adult, I never really felt that I fit in. I constantly question the status quo. I ask “why?”
I am sharing my story so that others might see themselves in my struggle. I hope to encourage you to start asking why, to feel empowered to design a life that truly brings you happiness, to have the courage to step out of the mainstream, if that is your heart’s desire.
Tantric Polyamory sounds very sexy. Right? Technically, neither tantra nor polyamory are about sex, but since you want to know… we will talk about sex – probably a lot. In monogamy, sex became a job. In my mind, it was clearly my responsibility to meet my partner’s sexual needs I truly believed it the was price I had to pay to remain in the relationship. It was a price I paid with my body. Finally my body started telling me to stop.
Tired of trading my body for love, I left monogamy behind, forever.
I made a bold decision to choose celibacy over sex as a job. That is right. If I had not found happiness with polyamory, I was prepared to be single and celibate forever.
Never again will I be solely responsible for any man’s sexual needs.
I will be forever grateful to my last monogamous partner, he was a very giving and tender lover, he took me to depths of my sexuality that I had never before discovered. Unlike prior partners who got angry when I was not in the mood for sex. C made sure that I received pleasure, lots of pleasure. But when we didn’t even get to cuddle until 11pm on a weeknight, I was often too tired for sex. In the morning, he would tell me his cock kept him awake all night. I was supposed to see this as a compliment, but instead I felt guilt for not taking care of my partner.
Feeling like a failure, I tried many things including aphrodisiacs to keep up with his desire. When he found out I was using a certain herbal supplement, he felt hurt and offended that I needed something to be in the mood to make love to him. I’m sad really, about the way things turned out with us. Eventually I left him for 3 major reasons:
- I felt incapable of meeting his sexual needs and guilty for not doing so
- I felt isolated – I had few friends and only one male friend (acceptable to my partner because he was gay)
- Our relationship was not moving forward -because I could not be truly open with him. He felt this and made the smart decision to delay marriage or living together.
While I never cheated on him or lied to him, I did not share stories about my past. I did not tell him of my desires or my frustrations because I assumed he would judge me.
He nearly vomited when I told him I was once a swinger. Because of this, I could never share my thoughts or desires around polyamory. He tolerated but did not share my spiritual beliefs. He wanted long, involved, connected love making, but the idea of being still and delighting in the love, connection, and energy of his partner made no sense to him. It is not his fault. He has been indoctrinated by societal norms his whole life.
I will always love him and I am grateful for the time we were together. All in all, it was a wonderful way to spend 3 years of my life. I loved deeply, I felt loved, I learned about my body and receiving pleasure and I experienced a lifetime of personal growth. Because of this pivotal relationship, I had the courage to design a life full of love, joy, family, friends, and lovers.
I questioned *everything* about relationships, and was left with only two rules:
Total Honesty & Don’t be an asshole.