Turned on by cuddles

Today I am pondering what turns me on. A typical date might be dinner with a partner at my place, cuddling on the sofa, talking about our lives, learning about each other, making out, sex, sleep.   The cuddle time is critical for me to relax into his body, to feel his energy, to intuitively read how safe I am. I am emphatic. I pick up on subtle energies that tell my subconscious something about my partner’s intent. As  I relax into his embrace, I feel safe, comfortable, maybe even loved. In this space, I  often begin to find myself aroused by the slightest touch or gentle caress.

I feel most comfortable when sex is truly just an option. When I feel that my partner would be perfectly happy with either a yes or a no to sex, I can feel truly safe and appreciated. When he is not desperate or needy, when he is open to the idea, but not expecting.  In this situation, I usually get aroused quite easily. It is important for me to feel loved, appreciated, and respected for who I am.

It feels good to enjoy the touch of another human being – to enjoy the touch for its own pleasure – not just as a prelude to something else.

Sometimes, I have a partner who has been thinking about having sex with me all day. He is obviously excited to see me. The strong desire for sex when I haven’t even walked in  the door frightens me at some level. I try to make that heart connection and to feel safe while noticing that he is aching to fuck me. It feels rushed, even when he tries to slow down for me. It is hard for me to enjoy the non sexual touch that he offers to me, because, in mind, it is just for one goal – so that he can fuck me.

He has no intent to pressure me, but I feel pressured. I can not get my body to respond.

Why?  Is it perhaps that I feel rushed to meet his desire?  Is it that I feel that sex is more important to him than the relationship, the connection? Is it something from my past that triggers this? Is it simply performance anxiety?

Do other women experience the same thing?

To be honest, I know that sex is usually on the agenda, and usually desired by my male partners.  I have several partners who somehow make me feel like they are in no rush  at all. This is sexy.

My partners who have other lovers rarely feel disappointed when we don’t have sex. They are not desperate or needy.  They are not in a rush. They have other sex partners and do not require it from me. This allows us to enjoy sex when it appeals to both of us. No one feels required to meet the other person’s needs. No one feels that they must perform sexually to maintain the relationship. I can give and receive pleasure freely because it feels good, not because I should.

We usually end up having lots of sex – because we both want to.

[Edited] Immediately after posting, I found the answer to my question on a friend’s timeline:

“To be around someone who is confident in the moment, someone who isn’t in a rush to do more and get more because they know they already have enough, that is attractive.”


How to Have Share Tantric Sex

When you hear “I want sex” does it mean that you are supposed to “do” certain things? Is sex something that is emulated from pornographic movies? What if I told you that sex is not about “doing”, but about sensations and emotions? Sex is more about simply experiencing. Porn movies are not an ideal example.

In tantra we learn to stop worrying about HOW to have sex. It matters not WHAT you do, but HOW you do it. It is not about putting the cock in the pussy, it is about LOVING YOUR PARTNER.  But how, you ask?

The genital orgasm distracts many people. Personally, I find it frustrating that many of my male partners worry about my orgasm, worry about their orgasm, worry about their erection. They want to DO something to give me pleasure, they want to come, they want to make me come – as if it is a measure of their success. I appreciate their concern for my pleasure, but what I really want is for my partners to be present, with open hearts – to join with me in ecstatic love.

So – what if you are not in love with someone – how can you have this kind of sex? In our society, sex often happens before we say the “L” word. Saying “I Love you” carries the connotation of commitment, responsibility, of something more. It is a big deal, not to be taken lightly when someone tells you “I Love You”

There are many types of love – love of family, love of friends, romantic love, sexual love, love of nature, love of the divine. Maybe you can pick one of these and feel the love of your partner as your friend, love of nature in their body, or love of the goddess. Imagine that you are Shiva (God) and she is Shakti (Goddess).  In some tantric sex practices, the partners literally take on the role of Shiva and Shakta – acting out the parts as if they were the embodiment of the divine. Love your partner as if she is the goddess and you are her lover.

I sense chakras and energy fields around the body. I have recently discovered that before I can open sexually to a partner, I need to feel their heart, to feel their positive intention, to feel their love. When their heart is guarded, I am suspicious, I wonder about their true intention, I don’t feel safe. I subconsciously feel the need to protect myself and thus, to avoid joining with this person.

I have been able to join with even relatively new lovers, if they will open their hearts to me. We may not be in an “emotional” relationship with one another, but we can love each other as a divine being, as a creature of God, as a fellow human being, as a person deserving of loving compassion. We may not say “I love you” but we embody the love of the creator in our union. We channel the love vibration through our bodies in the act of intercourse. We feel love. Love from each other, love from God, Love from the Universe, I don’t know exactly what to call it– but the feeling of love that embodies our union is simply intoxicating.

In this act of Love there is nothing specific to do. Embrace your partner, gaze deep into their eyes, kiss your partner, caress your lover, in short: Love them. Feel your heart open and your energy intermingling with your partner. Notice the energy flowing from your partner’s hands, notice the way your chakras reach out to your partner, the energy from your bodies melting into each other.

Tenderly loving, touching, kissing and caressing a woman’s breasts can help her to open her heart center. If you should choose to suckle her breasts, she may feel love pass from her breast to your mouth. This energy may go through your body, down your spine, and out your lingam (penis), to her yoni (pussy), up her spine and back to the breast to be returned to you. If you can’t feel this energy, imagine it. With time, the imagination becomes reality.  There is no need for penetration (intercourse) for this energy exchange to take place. Placing the lingam inside the yoni is optional.

But – I warn you: If you do engage in penetrative sex, avoid the impulse to thrust. Try to be still and notice the electrical impulses traveling from the lingam to the yoni. Slow down and feel the bliss as you embrace your partner. Move slowly, Feel the love for your partner (in whatever form that love takes). Revel in the ecstasy. This is Tantric Sex.

You may be surprised to experience an orgasm without the intense friction that you are accustomed to. You may find that you experience a different type of orgasm. You may experience an orgasm without ejaculation, you may experience a full body orgasm. You may find that the peaks and valleys that you experience in tantra far exceed the pleasure you receive from your typical genital orgasm.

Note: These concepts are not limited to hetero-normative couples. I welcome comments about your experience with your partners of all genders and sexual orientations.

Condoms do not interfere with the energy flow. If you are using them for contraception or protection from STIs, the condom should be in place before the penis is placed near the vulva.

I have personally found the  following books to be helpful:

Tantric Orgasm for Women
Tantric Sex for Men

Sex in Polyamory

Honestly I don’t need a lot of sexual partners, but I don’t put limits on what can happen in my relationships. I DO need a variety of people in my life. I am attracted to men, and not just in a sexual way. It is easier for me to talk to men and to start friendships with men than women. In previous monogamous relationships, it was difficult to form and maintain relationships with men – because it made my partner uncomfortable.

If monogamy were the only option, I would choose to be single. Yes, you heard me right I would live alone and be celibate.  I will NEVER again be in a relationship where it is my obligation to have sex with my partner. It is my choice to be celibate rather than be obligated to have sex with anyone.

As it is, I have lots of sex, with people that I love. I have sex with people who don’t expect, nor require, me to have sex with them as part of our relationship agreement. It is  interesting how much more I like sex when it is not my responsibility.

We have dates for outings, events, kids activities, home cooked meals, cuddles, deep conversation and sleepovers. Sometimes sex happens, sometimes it doesn’t. Everyone seems to be quite happy with that arrangement.

I  do not limit who else my partners can have sex with, although I expect absolute honesty about their other sexual partners and their safer sex practices. They can do whatever they choose to do with other people, but I reserve the right to make my own decisions about my sexual health and safety. I may decide to  use a different level of protection with a partner who is not practicing safe sex with someone else, or I might have to stop having sex with him all together. The point is that it is my choice. I am also upfront with all my partners about who else I am intimate with.

Everyone wants to know if I have sex with my partner’s partners. In short: no. While there is no reason NOT to, it has never been a thing for me, nor my metamores (my partner’s partners). There are some triads or quads where this happens – every relationship dynamic is different.  I do try to be friends with my metas and we all hang out together sometimes.

Is it like swinging? NO! there is so much to say about this that it will require another article.

Are there big orgies with the whole poly family? Unfortunately not – that might be fun.

Are you worried about STDs? Yes and No. The polyamorous people in my community tend to be very aware and careful with their bodies. The use of barriers and frequent STD testing helps. Also, polyamory is built on hard core honesty. It is vitally important that my partner knows he can trust me. This means that I don’t keep anything from him. For example: If I slip up and don’t use a condom with a partner, it is my responsibility to tell my other partners.  They might not like it, but they will appreciate me for my honesty and know that they can trust me. If someone in our network of lovers tests positive for an STD, we all get tested ASAP.

There are some statistics that show that people in monogamous relationships may actually be at higher risk. Serial monogamists (most of society date one person at  a time and have many partners over a lifetime) never or rarely get tested, or use condoms. As you know, the statistics for cheating are high. Guess what? When someone cheats, they rarely use condoms, they don’t talk about STD testing, they don’t get tested and certainly don’t make a point of telling their partner about their test results and their safe sex practices with other people.

Yes, there is some risk, but the risks can be minimized with careful safer sex practices.

Currently, I use condoms with all of my partners and get STD tests every 3-6 months. I expect all my partners to do the same.  Many polyamorous people choose to be fluid bonded (to not use barriers) with one or more of their long term partners.  When choosing to be fluid boded with one partner, it is considered ethical to notify your other partners since your risk for STDs is now slightly higher.

What is Tantra

Tantra is about being totally present – noticing the small things. Noticing how your body feels, noticing  smells,  sights, everything around and inside you. There is no need to analyze the past or think about the future – only to notice what is present in this very moment.

In the western world, tantra usually refers to tantric sex. Bringing tantra into your bedroom will change your life. Not only will it change your perception of sex, but may also change the way you go about your daily life. Expect a deeper connection with your partner and, an awareness of things that you may never have noticed before.

In tantra, the goal of sex is not orgasm. It is not even about intercourse. Tantric sex is about about being totally present with your partner, totally in your body, totally focused on sensation, leaving thoughts and concerns outside the bedroom.

Have you ever stopped pumping away during intercourse to just be inside your partner, to notice the electricity that flows between you? Have you melted into your partners body and felt your chakras merge? To many, this sounds silly, but I find the subtle sensations to be mind bending.

When my partner moves too fast, I involuntarily contract the muscles in the pelvic floor to reduce the sensation – because  is too much. Although it is not painful, my body registers it as pain.

The clitoris contains approximately 8,000 nerve endings – imagine stroking, touching, or just directing energy to that small organ -slowly – so that your partner can feel the slightest movement – to allow her to focus on her body so that even a slight breeze provides pleasure.

Imagine how your sex life might change if you no longer felt pressure to give your partner an orgasm? What if she or he could just relax and enjoy the sensations for an hour or two?  Try it – you might discover heights of pleasure so much greater that what you typically experience as orgasm.

This book helped me to understand how to relax into pleasure. For the first time ever, I do not feel that I have to “do” something during sex. The results have been mind blowing -for me and my partners.

Tanric Orgasm for Women


Why Polyamory

What is Polyamory? 

Polyamory (or poly) is the opposite of monogamy.  It is being open to multiple romantic relationships at the same time.  When practiced ethically, all parties are aware of all the other partners.

Why would you choose this? Why would you allow your partner to date others?

Because it just makes sense! Why would I want to be the only person in my partner’s life? Why would I ask him to do everything with me? Why would I only want him to have sex with me ? Why would I want to restrict his other friendships/relationships in any way?

“Successful polyamory is built on honesty and trust.”

When I am secure in my relationship with my partner, I can be happy doing my own thing or spending time with my other partners while he is with his other friends/partners. Him having other partners in no way takes away from how much he loves me.
When you have more than one child, do you love the first one any less?

When I first ventured into polyamory, I vowed never to be solely responsible for any man’s sexual needs ever again. Personally, I felt pressure to perform – performance anxiety because I did not want to engage in sexual activity as often as my partner. The obvious solution is to allow him to have other sexual partners, but it is much more complicated than that… I needed to have the same freedom that I offered him.

What I learned is that I need more relationship – not more sex. One person is just not enough to meet all my emotional and intellectual needs.  We all have different needs and expecting just one person to meet all of them seems unreasonable.

Why not just have more friends? Well – my last monogamous partner told me quite clearly that I made him uncomfortable when I danced too closely or gave a male friend a full contact hug. I found myself only able to have friendships women or gay men. I find it much easier to engage in friendships with men than women.  I don’t like to put limits on my relationships.

If you and your partner decide that you can have friends of the opposite sex – where do you draw the line? What activities are acceptable, which are not? Cuddling? Hugging? Hand holding? Touching (in any manner)? Kissing?  My partner thought it was OK for me to do all these things with my female friends, but not my male friends.

Also – why is my partner judging my friendships anyway?? Insecurity.  For a monogamous male, it can feel quite intimidating to have another male hugging your woman. I don’t do well with rules imposed on me by a partner.

My only rules in my relationships are total transparency. Honesty. Communication. And safer sex practices. Actually, the last one is not a rule, but an expectation. If I choose not to use barriers with a partner, it is my responsibility to communicate that to my other partners so that they can make decisions about their own sexual health.

I left monogamy forever

Had I not found polyamory, I would have chosen to be single and celibate.

I’ve always been a free thinker. As a child and young adult, I never really felt that I fit in. I constantly question the status quo. I ask “why?”

I am sharing my story so that others might see themselves in my struggle. I hope to encourage you to start asking why, to feel empowered to design a life that truly brings you happiness, to have the courage to step out of the mainstream, if that is your heart’s desire.

Tantric Polyamory sounds very sexy.  Right? Technically, neither tantra nor polyamory are about sex, but since you want to know… we will talk about sex – probably a lot. In monogamy, sex became a job. In my mind, it was clearly my responsibility to meet my partner’s sexual needs I truly believed it the was price I had to pay to remain in the relationship. It was a price I paid with my body. Finally my body started telling me to stop.

Tired of trading my body for love, I left monogamy behind, forever.

I made a bold decision to choose celibacy over sex as a job. That is right. If I had not found happiness with polyamory, I was prepared to be single and celibate forever.

Never again will I be solely responsible for any man’s sexual needs.

I will be forever grateful to my last monogamous partner, he was a very giving and tender lover, he took me to depths of my sexuality that I had never before discovered. Unlike prior partners who got angry when I was not in the mood for sex. C made sure that I received pleasure, lots of pleasure. But when we didn’t even get to cuddle until 11pm on a weeknight, I was often too tired for sex. In the morning, he would tell me his cock kept him awake all night. I was supposed to see this as a compliment, but instead I felt guilt for not taking care of my partner.

Feeling like a failure, I tried many things including aphrodisiacs to keep up with his desire. When he found out I was using a certain herbal supplement, he felt hurt and offended that I needed something to be in the mood to make love to him. I’m sad really, about the way things turned out with us.  Eventually I left him for 3 major reasons:

  1. I felt incapable of meeting his sexual needs and guilty for not doing so
  2. I felt isolated – I had few friends and only one male friend (acceptable to my partner because he was gay)
  3. Our relationship was not moving forward -because I could not be truly open with him. He felt this and made the smart decision to delay marriage or living together.

While I never cheated on him or lied to him, I did not share stories about my past. I did not tell him of my desires or my frustrations because I assumed he would judge me.

He nearly vomited when I told him I was once a swinger. Because of this, I could never share my thoughts or desires around polyamory. He tolerated but did  not share my spiritual beliefs. He wanted long, involved, connected love making, but the idea of being still and delighting in the love, connection, and energy of his partner made no sense to him. It is not his fault. He has been indoctrinated by societal norms his whole life.

I will always love him and I am grateful for the time we were together. All in all, it was a wonderful way to spend 3 years of my life. I loved deeply, I felt loved, I learned about my body and receiving pleasure and I experienced a lifetime of personal growth. Because of this pivotal relationship, I had the courage to design a life full of love, joy, family, friends, and lovers.

I questioned *everything* about relationships, and was left with only two rules:

Total Honesty & Don’t be an asshole.