When you hear “I want sex” does it mean that you are supposed to “do” certain things? Is sex something that is emulated from pornographic movies? What if I told you that sex is not about “doing”, but about sensations and emotions? Sex is more about simply experiencing. Porn movies are not an ideal example.
In tantra we learn to stop worrying about HOW to have sex. It matters not WHAT you do, but HOW you do it. It is not about putting the cock in the pussy, it is about LOVING YOUR PARTNER. But how, you ask?
The genital orgasm distracts many people. Personally, I find it frustrating that many of my male partners worry about my orgasm, worry about their orgasm, worry about their erection. They want to DO something to give me pleasure, they want to come, they want to make me come – as if it is a measure of their success. I appreciate their concern for my pleasure, but what I really want is for my partners to be present, with open hearts – to join with me in ecstatic love.
So – what if you are not in love with someone – how can you have this kind of sex? In our society, sex often happens before we say the “L” word. Saying “I Love you” carries the connotation of commitment, responsibility, of something more. It is a big deal, not to be taken lightly when someone tells you “I Love You”
There are many types of love – love of family, love of friends, romantic love, sexual love, love of nature, love of the divine. Maybe you can pick one of these and feel the love of your partner as your friend, love of nature in their body, or love of the goddess. Imagine that you are Shiva (God) and she is Shakti (Goddess). In some tantric sex practices, the partners literally take on the role of Shiva and Shakta – acting out the parts as if they were the embodiment of the divine. Love your partner as if she is the goddess and you are her lover.
I sense chakras and energy fields around the body. I have recently discovered that before I can open sexually to a partner, I need to feel their heart, to feel their positive intention, to feel their love. When their heart is guarded, I am suspicious, I wonder about their true intention, I don’t feel safe. I subconsciously feel the need to protect myself and thus, to avoid joining with this person.
I have been able to join with even relatively new lovers, if they will open their hearts to me. We may not be in an “emotional” relationship with one another, but we can love each other as a divine being, as a creature of God, as a fellow human being, as a person deserving of loving compassion. We may not say “I love you” but we embody the love of the creator in our union. We channel the love vibration through our bodies in the act of intercourse. We feel love. Love from each other, love from God, Love from the Universe, I don’t know exactly what to call it– but the feeling of love that embodies our union is simply intoxicating.
In this act of Love there is nothing specific to do. Embrace your partner, gaze deep into their eyes, kiss your partner, caress your lover, in short: Love them. Feel your heart open and your energy intermingling with your partner. Notice the energy flowing from your partner’s hands, notice the way your chakras reach out to your partner, the energy from your bodies melting into each other.
Tenderly loving, touching, kissing and caressing a woman’s breasts can help her to open her heart center. If you should choose to suckle her breasts, she may feel love pass from her breast to your mouth. This energy may go through your body, down your spine, and out your lingam (penis), to her yoni (pussy), up her spine and back to the breast to be returned to you. If you can’t feel this energy, imagine it. With time, the imagination becomes reality. There is no need for penetration (intercourse) for this energy exchange to take place. Placing the lingam inside the yoni is optional.
But – I warn you: If you do engage in penetrative sex, avoid the impulse to thrust. Try to be still and notice the electrical impulses traveling from the lingam to the yoni. Slow down and feel the bliss as you embrace your partner. Move slowly, Feel the love for your partner (in whatever form that love takes). Revel in the ecstasy. This is Tantric Sex.
You may be surprised to experience an orgasm without the intense friction that you are accustomed to. You may find that you experience a different type of orgasm. You may experience an orgasm without ejaculation, you may experience a full body orgasm. You may find that the peaks and valleys that you experience in tantra far exceed the pleasure you receive from your typical genital orgasm.
Note: These concepts are not limited to hetero-normative couples. I welcome comments about your experience with your partners of all genders and sexual orientations.
Condoms do not interfere with the energy flow. If you are using them for contraception or protection from STIs, the condom should be in place before the penis is placed near the vulva.
I have personally found the following books to be helpful: