Condoms provide a lot of protection against STDs and pregnancy but only if used properly. Your date will be watching and will judge how careful you are about using condoms. If you want her to trust you with her body (and with other partners), follow these suggestions religiously:
- The condom needs to go on *before* the cock touches anything wet (i.e. bodily fluid). Don’t wait until you are ready for full insertion, don’t rub your penis on her pussy, don’t start fucking and then stop to put on a condom before you are ready to come. Pre-ejaculate and vaginal fluid can be a pathway to infection.
I have had several partners put their penis next to my labia, without actually penetrating, before putting on the condom. This does not feel safe to me. It makes me nervous for its own sake, but also because I cannot relax and enjoy the moment. This is a moment when I should be savoring the energy flow, excited and wanting. Instead, I am on high alert, concerned that my partner might forget (or choose not to) to put on the condom. It is a real buzz kill for me. I need to know, without a doubt, that we are taking proper precautions. It is no fun to be the safety police. Show your partner that she can trust you. Be safe.
Intact skin provides a decent barrier, mucus membranes (the vulva, eyes, nose) do not – they need to be protected. This means my partner can touch my stomach, my buttocks, my thighs, but not my pussy with his beautiful naked cock. Please point it in a safe direction or wrap it up.
And ladies, it is your responsibility to practice speaking up. I know it is difficult, but it is vitally important. Especially if it is the first time you are together, your partner may think it is presumptions to get out a condom, he may be worried that you will judge him and think he is expecting sex. He needs you to give consent, to tell him that you want it too. You may have to speak up and say, “I may need a few more minutes before I’m ready, but please put on a condom if our genitals are going to be in the same vicinity” or “I’m having fun being naked with you, but I’m a little nervous. I’m not sure I’m going to want to have sex today, but I’d like you to use a condom if the penis gets near the vulva, just to be safe”. Or simply “Please don’t fuck me without a condom”. Better yet, make it part of your safer sex talk. (You are doing a safer sex talk, right?) Talk about STD testing and condom use before you get naked.
- Put the condom on before getting near the labia.
- When you are finished, hold on to the condom as you withdraw. It is easy for the condom to slip off as the penis becomes flaccid. This could cause spillage or accidental pregnancy.
- If you are not accustomed to using condoms, practice with them at home. Masturbate with them so that your body becomes accustomed to the different sensations. This will also help if you tend to lose your erection when putting on a condom.
- Try varied sizes, brands, and styles to find out what works best for you. Bring your preferred condoms with you if you plan to have sex. I keep a supply of regular and large non-latex condoms at home, but I expect my partner to bring his own if he has a preference or if we are not at my home.
- There is no stigma in buying any particular size. It’s much better that you have a condom that fits properly and works well for you. I have seen regular size men use “snug” condoms because they worked better for them. I have also seen regular sized men use large condoms, it is very much about personal preference. Condom slippage and breakage is bad, so choose wisely. The general rule of thumb is that if your penis can fit inside a toilet paper roll, you likely need a “regular”, if it is larger than this, consider larger sizes.
- If the condom breaks or comes off, please stop right away and tell your partner. Put on a new condom and continue if your partner is comfortable. Accidents do happen, but it is extremely rare when used properly. Please tell your partner right away, she may want to take the morning after pill or preventative medication for STDs.
- Use a new condom when going from anal to vaginal sex (vaginal to anal is OK). If you are in a group sex situation, put on a new condom for every partner. Vaginas have very delicate biochemistry; foreign materials can easily cause an infection. This rule goes for fingers too, if they have touched the rectum, please wash before touching anything else.
- Never “double bag” the cock. Use only one condom at a time. Using two increases your risk for breakage and friction burns.
- Follow the directions on the package, pinch the tip to leave a little room at the top for semen, roll the condom all the way down to the base of your shaft.
- Be generous with the lube. A woman’s natural lubrication is rarely sufficient when using condoms. I prefer to use organic coconut oil, but water based or silicone lube should always be used with latex condoms. Consider putting some inside the condom as well. Generally, it is best to choose lubricated condoms, but assume you will need additional lube.
- Flavored and unlubricated condoms can be used for oral sex. Not too many people do this, and I’m not sure why. It is something that you might want to consider. (they can also be cut to shape to be used as a dental dam for performing cunnilingus.)
- Check your expiration dates. Store your condoms properly (not in your hot car).
It is particularly sexy to put the condom on for your partner. Put some lube on the head, tenderly massage it in. Roll the condom down and put some more lube on it, while giving him a slow mini hand job.
Condom use should be the default for any new relationship. Use them until you and your partner have a serious conversation about it. This will most likely put your partner at ease. She will feel more comfortable with you, knowing that you put a high priority on sexual health. ALWAYS assume you should use a condom, unless you have discussed otherwise.
Please talk about what is comfortable for both partners. She may or may not be comfortable with ejaculate on her stomach, unprotected oral sex, or cum in her mouth. Any contact with body fluid carries some risk. Please never cum on near someone’s eyes – there is a risk that you might have a herpes infection that you are not aware of. Herpes in the eyes can cause permanent blindness – not a risk worth taking, in my opinion.
If you want to stop using condoms with your partner, please have a conversation about it when you are both sober, not during playtime. This is a serious conversation. “Can we skip the condom” is not an appropriate question to ask in the middle of sex.
Since I am in non-monogamous relationships, If I ever decide to become fluid bonded (to stop using condoms) with a partner, I will want to know how well he follows these instructions (especially #1). If he is not safe with me, I assume he is probably not safe with anyone else.
If you are a Texas Resident, you can order FREE condoms from www.texaswearscondoms.com